My name is Traci Zajdel, and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Couples therapy – or relationship therapy - is the primary focus of my practice and expertise. As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, exploring and improving intimacy between partners is also my specialty. (No, I do not engage in sexual activity with my clients; that is unethical in my profession. However, I am surprised at the number of people who contact me believing this to be part of my work.)
When I started my journey as a Marriage and Family Therapist, my least favorite work was with those in romantic, committed relationships. I often describe providing couples/relationship therapy as akin to diffusing a bomb – the situation can be very delicate and volatile, and the therapist must tread carefully upon the issues so as not to ignite emotions that take the session into unproductive territory, to “blow up” the session metaphorically speaking. The couple relationship is the most unstable bond within the chemistry of relational work. The dyad often seeks out a third party to draw into the conversation, to choose a side or to validate and gain an upper hand. The terrain of couples therapy is fraught with weeds, into which the therapist can get lost along with the couple if they do not keep the conversation from getting entangled there. Therefore, the work can seem unrewarding, unfocused, and like a never-ending loop of tension and conflict if not done carefully but also purposefully.
Over time, I have come to find couples work to be some of the most rewarding of my career. I absolutely enjoy the challenge because, not only do I get to walk through some of life’s most heartbreaking and exhilarating moments with my clients, but I get to examine my inner world when it comes to how I view relationships. Romantic relationships do not follow a one-size-fits-all template, but most if not all the elements that make relationships successful must be nurtured within unions of all structures and functions.
What are some of the most challenging scenarios in couples/relationship therapy? How do you know that relationships are beyond help?
In my role as therapist, it is not up to me to determine when a relationship is beyond help. Through gentle questioning and conversations, members of the couple check that out for themselves. I often ask them to give a percentage of what they feel they have left to give the relationship and the couples work, or how much of them still has hope in the relationship. Certain qualities that present in couples work are often signals to me that the couple may have gotten to therapy too late for significant repair, but once again, that isn’t my call. The most I can do is prompt my clients to be honest with themselves as they explore all options for the future of the relationship.
Those signals include:
· One or both partners lacking any sort of warmth towards one another
· One or both partners having difficulty coming up with positive memories or strengths in the relationship
· One or both partners displaying apathy towards the relationship or one another, they no longer believe in a “why” for keeping the relationship together
· A partner not giving any ground to the other to meet them where they are and continually trying to disprove or discredit the other to gain the upper hand
While many of these signals can be turned around, it often takes a lot of effort and tremendous shift in perspective for the members of the couple. At a certain point in the relationship struggle, the well to draw from for these types of changes may be close to empty. I often lament that some couple seem to make it into therapy too late.
What is the purpose of couples/relationship therapy? Does a relationship need to be in troubled territory to benefit from it?
Couples/relationship therapy can be for any couple, regardless of how well the partners feel the relationship may be going. Some of the reasons couples may come in for therapy include:
· Persistent conflict that seems to go nowhere
· Feelings of disconnect and a lack of intimacy or positive connection
· A hurt, past or present, that continues to bring up strong emotions and find its way into smaller arguments
· A climate check of the relationship, exploring any potential blind spots
· Help with difficult conversations
· Exploring strengths and challenges and finding ways to grow together
· Making difficult decisions about the relationship
· Peaceful uncoupling
Many couples enter therapy to work on “communication,” and this is arguably one of the most commonly named challenges couples face. However, communication in relationship is nuanced and varied. People can communicate well when they are working together on a project but not when they are navigating a disagreement. Some people communicate well in the moment but cannot quite get on the same page with future goals and plans. I see my role as therapist as one of being the lantern holder as we go down the dark path of relationship challenges, to illuminate the places where things go off course, to help the couple forge new paths or find their way back to what they truly want – or find their way back to one another.
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